"Worship ME ONLY"... God

From the Book, Jesus Calling, I see where I have allowed my mind to go and I see what needs to happen.. The change that needs to take place.
God is searching for a heart fully His and today I have allowed Satan to completely fill my head with thoughts that might be true but it is thoughts that are absent of God.
God was not in the equation!
My life apart from God is worthless..vain...empty.. energy spent on nothing!
Apart from God WHY on earth would I want to spend my life in this never ending cleaning cycle? I never feel any accomplishment.. my children do not show any appreciation and most likely NEVER WILL..  so much energy spent ... And then more energy spent on children to take care of their needs, teach them, pour all I am into them.. dying to self constantly for them only for them to grow and either hate you or really don't want you to be involved in their lives..
Marriage, sure things might be wonderful now, but you hear so many stories about marriages falling apart.. So here I am pouring all of me into a man who could decide he is done.. tomorrow or 30 years from now gone done?!.. WHY pour my life into anyone OR anything? It will only bring heart ache, pain... even if they love you! everyone dies.. LIFE IS WORTHLESS.. apart from God..
So as satan has attacked pretty much my existents its making me wonder WHY am I sticking around?... I realize that I have left God completely out of the equation..
No one will notice how clean the house is or even care...
My children might grow up to hate me and not want anything to do with me
My husband might decide this is not worth it and be gone..
My friends and family might all abandon me
BUT If God is my focus.. IF everything I do is looked at as I am doing this because God has called me to and it brings Him glory.. I will not be concerned with the end result..
God has put certain things in my care, given me people to take care of, love, and look after..
the end result is up to God..
SO a life that seems so worthless has found new meaning... my motives were wrong..
Do all things unto God and NOT to MAN.. and worthless turns into WORSHIP..
WORSHIP only my Savior...

Listen, Look, Learn and Love

 As I have been reading thru the Bible I see that those who are called have lives I do not envy...
 I see hardship, loneliness, exhaustion, always something.. My husband was very selfless and sent  me to Montana for a retreat.. a time of rest before we add a new member to our family. Before I left I decided that I really want to use my time to SOAK into the WORD of God.. to see what God has to teach me.. SO What did I learn? What did God teach me?
Like the story of Elijah.. God sent a strong wind but God was not in the wind.. then an earthquake but God was not in the earthquake... God was the whisper...
And that was JUST how he spoke to me over the weekend in the quietness of my room.. He surrounded me with women who have been thru things and are going thru things I do not want to even think about!... nothing easy. hardship.. heart wrenching... I realized that the past few years I have been praying that God would use me.. USE ME..  He has put desires in my heart yet I am in  such a different place.. And then seeing that those who are called do not have it easy and I thought.. "Do I want that?"
 God put those 4 L words in my mind .. to LISTEN and LOOK, LEARN and LOVE..  and SO I did.. I took those words and applied to my weekend
AS I was about to head back home to the Carolina's, two people told me to JUST BE.. One of the women who God brought in my life and the other the Taxi Driver!..
 Stop worrying .. and JUST BE..
Allow God to work allow Him to be my guide and to TRUST Him..

Excited to head home and apply what I learned ONLY to be Hit HARD with attacks from Satan...
And once again I felt like Elijah who after Mt. Carmel he sat under a tree and told God to take his life...
 to be continued..